The World Is a Vampire

“Set to Draiiaiain.” (The Smashing Pumpkins)
As a young girl I had a Grossology book about all the real-life gross things kids would love to be introduced to to tell their friends on the playground.  Things like a man eating his own metal bicycle (the chain was the best part), weird things animals did in nature. None of them grossed me out except for the one about Tapeworms. I still remember the enormous pink, red and white tapeworm drawn to frame the whole page. It terrified me. I read it with my friend in the bookstore coffeeshop not expecting what was there as we turned the page and it shocked the sh*t out of me.
All the times since then, when the parasite conversation has come up it’s called back this early trauma for me. I get so upset and so stressed out at the prospect of it all that I pretend that it doesn’t exist. Some of my friends in my healing communities have talked about their cleansing of parasites. I just blocked it from entering my awareness and hoped I was still ok.
I remember the worms I saw in my poo when I was 8 despite multiple bubble baths in the week after seeing that book. I was feeling too scared to acknowledge they were real and tell my parents. Only a young girl like me who would one day become a healer would get that freaked out about the illness possible in a human body. This idea inspired a lifetime fear.
This year, at age 31, I chose to do a Superfood 10-Day Transformation Cleanse because their detox regimen is not only super easy. I could still eat every two hours and feel nourished.

This is my first cleanse I have done because I have always been scared to fast. The Master Cleanse with that nasty lemonade didn’t seem nutritious. I read in Acupuncture school that fasting is not good for the chi or the blood. But more than that, I hated feeling hungry. In college people called me Big Hungry. When I became Gluten Free in 2011 I would freak out about the opportunity for my next Gluten Free meal. The anxiety would keep me from going out, or I would piss people off and delay plans by taking forever to cook my own at home before we went out – whereupon as soon as I could I would sit down and eat ALL of what I had cooked.

I couldn’t stop eating. I always had to eat a big big meal and not stop until the crackers, chips, bread was done or the plate was finished and my belly felt like it would explode.

Becoming Gluten Free and limiting sugar and dairy and other things over the years with the cutting edge nutritional knowledge I had in place from school and being in the wellness field gave me side effects of spins and dizziness, and digestive issues that all felt out of my control. These things would sometimes leave me bed ridden (if it was a migraine) or in a groggy fog and having no energy to do anything.  Agony, hunger, and weakness prevented me from getting detoxed to begin with. All these things and more that were due to another being living in my body, wanting the food for itself.

Parasites are Vampires. Ghosts. Most of us have a form of one or the other.

Let me explain.

Most people never think of parasites when they think of their health and chronic digestive, cognitive, and other issues. And many more people than that don’t think of parasites as living in our minds as part of the brain-gut connection or that something in our gut has something to do with our spirit and our ability to be our own Spirit.

Parasite is a bacteria, and it’s a quality of energy that has the same effect to us from a person or from our environment, a sucking out of our energetic life force. A being always looking for a host…

In my research on the Mayo Clinic and the CDC I found hundreds of different kind of bacteria cited as parasites in lists and genuses and species. And it got me to thinking, what other ‘parasites’ do we have around us??

Like a plague of dead rats rotting during The Black Plague, parasites can look like warms and swarms of little black bugs. Vermin. Worms. Toxicity that invade and erode everything they can get into.

Maybe this is one little thing I ate, or one news story I see, or one person I hung out with once last week. But what if they multiply in my mind and body? What if they overtake my ability to think and see clearly and make proper decisions in what I am ingesting? What if they change my brain so much (Chinese doctors called them “gu” which means the same thing about a spirit being within me: that I don’t act under my own guidance, my own channel. Instead I am channeling a shadow. Something else is taking control.

Negative thoughts are parasites. Negative groups, negative people are parasites of ours, stealing life. The national media infects stories of fear, rage, ego, and other lower energies to get us addicted so that we consume and keep consuming. Then, bogged down after a binge, our emotions, our mental state, and therefore our nervous systems are compromised. Therefore more likelihood we don’t have our guard up and can’t ward off more pests. They can get in easier.

This pattern gets embedded into our system so much so that we start to adopt the daily moods that collect around common feelings of depression, anxiety, feeling fat, incapable, and sorry for ourselves. This starts to be the norm. When we can’t get out of our own way to make a more nourishing, positive environment and situation for ourselves we give up. We eat more of what makes us sick. The sickness propagates. The sickness propagates other sicknesses. We feel we are stuck in a hole. There’s nothing to get us out of this mess. No hope left alive to keep a fire alive for your goals and dreams. No one to keep the fire of possibility and joy stoked (“Stoked!!”).

One example I noticed before going on the cleanse was I was slowly caring less and less about my appearance. I had put on weight since my travels and didn’t like my clothes. I stopped putting on make up, I stopped buying nice clothes for myself, and stopped caring how things looked. I started getting comfortable feeling and looking dumpy because I felt gross and dumpy inside. It was unconsciously not caring. I have never felt so low about myself in April and May about my body especially when it was the same things not working in my health and wellness before the cleanse, so having bad eating habits was okay because I knew it was no use anyway. I’m overstating this some about myself but you get the point.

As a practitioner when I treat other people, one of the first things gauging someone’s wellness is they start to put more care and effort into their appearance.  They start to have higher self esteem and self care, which is a kind of self love.

Over visits, and healing sessions (and superfoods cleanses) we learn to eliminate what’s no longer serving us, and to adopt and become what’s new in us. We feel different, and it’s hard to describe how in depth when you’ve let go of something huge that was living inside you.

I knew the cleanse was working because by end of June taking a high grade alkaline diet with the anti-parasite supplements was then Wham: starting to care of myself, to give a shit. I started wearing jewelry again. Then makeup. Then I started making outfits to wear most days. My hair got thicker and my complexion totally cleared up. I started feeling like I deserved better and I saw myself in a better light so cutting a lot of unnecessary things from of my life, my space, and my aura (vibes, vibes) was growing less and less of a problem.

People (who might have parasitic thoughts/parasites) get it turned around that to be unhappy is to be liked by everyone else, we don’t want to gloat, or be too good at something, or too prominent at something or else we are selfish and taking up too much room and too much attention.

This was another edge for me in the cleanse, coming up on my own threshold of happiness and how identified I was with a certain level or certain ‘appearance’ of what I saw ‘happiness’ as. Or ‘sadness,’ ‘slouchiness,’ ‘slovenliness’ that I gave off in the real world. A certain ‘way’ I was comfortable being seen.

Ten-days to completely turn this around.

After the horrible die-off in my brain Day 1 and 2 on this cleanse from all the toxins being released (was like a two day long headache and migraine), by day 7 I was feeling overall in a better and more upbeat mood. More positive. I had an abundance of energy and stamina to do things. I was getting a lot done in my day with clarity, love, and focus. I was greeting people with positivity and strength to help them through their health concerns and feeling positive and excited about the possibilities in my future.

I now take extra care to wash my hands after I pet my animals at home, washing my hands after the bathroom, and making sure all my foods are high quality grade, organic, and washed thoroughly before they enter my body.

I am also aware of taking better care of my body by eating cleaner food, caring for my food and how I prepare it. I’m also exercising more often (because I have so much more energy!), cleaning and washing more. In addition to higher quality food and working up a sweat, I also will have a shower, a salt bath, a sauna, a sage, or a crystal infused chakra clearing.

It was towards Day 8 and Day 9 of my cleanse after eliminating a ton of my bloating, endless hunger and digestive symptoms that I felt myself needing to take a long salt bath + crystal bath with a chakra clearing meditation to clean and clean and clean more. This was a very specific protocol that I stayed up late night to accomplish. After doing these two things in order I slept deeply and awoke feeling like a brand new person inside and out.

Determination paying off – Day 10.

It was Day 10 of my cleanse. Having taken such a positive step inside my energetic chakra system to clean the things up physically and energetically my last day I remember remarking how things I had been striving in work and in life were now flowing to me easily, showing up at the doorstep of my house. It was a totally reset and re-alignment into my future hopes and goals, as a new person.

We all have some kind of parasite. If it’s not from the pork, it’s from the media. People coming into the community clinic where I work are completely distraught – finding themselves ailing, weak, and feeble from reading and following the news every day. They are losing sleep over it, drinking too much, having too much sugar over it. Losing their minds. They are processing deep dark emotions over it. They ask me for help at the same time they are so addicted to the drama, hurt, and fear and go back and turn on their TV or other media outlet. And this is just one example, not talking about other “energy vampires” which deplete us and undervalue the good and well-meaning efforts we are doing for ourselves in others in life. Partners, co-workers, people who just don’t know better, strangers in the metro.

Action Steps

I forcing myself to acknowledge what I most feared by doing this cleanse. I saw the dis-ease I was carrying deep inside myself leave me. I saw the sickness that is there around us. Then I saw how it can get into us and affect us in so many ways. We must be discerning of what caliber of goods, food, and people we let in – the parasites we have to live every day.

The parasites are trying to convince us of something we’re not, eating away at our energy, confusing and disorienting us from who we really are, telling us we need to consume something that we really really don’t, keeping us bogged down and feeling trashy and consuming trash. Until we take radical action to cleanse ourselves, our bodies, our homes, and the varied media, people, and personalities we take in every day that are vampirous energy suckers of our blood and our life chi, we will live a life of sickness and pain.

Watch your body carefully and listen to your cravings, your food intake, and look at your poop. Be careful with your body. See an acupuncturist like me, or another holistic health practitioner.

One thing I can prescribe right now in terms of food you should be eating, is to take the 10-Day Transformation Cleanse twice over a 40-day period like I am doing now – I have a $50 gift card to get you a discount on the Superfood product. I took the most pure form of superfood on the market right now in a really easy and nutrient dense routine where I could eat real food that was good. This, and their Fiber and Detox natural herb supplements were altogether what worked for me and saved me from the pits of hell. What we eat directly correlates to what we become – whole, nutritious, and organic, and SUPER as in SuperFood. So turn yourself into a Superfood (with extra fiber).

If you’re going to do your own thing, make sure meals are small (only a cup serving of fruits and veggies cooked), lots of fiber, lots of water, and these herbs I mention. The best and easiest and most effective (because you get the accountability to!) is to do this Supergreen cleanse I mention with me (starting on July 23!) which has all the organic natural supplements and food over those 10 days to give you a full body reset.

Wash your hands and your food, especially after going to the bathroom or dealing with pet poop. Let’s just get the basics here.
Lastly, establish higher boundaries for yourself. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Don’t lower your standards for anyone. Keep yourself clean. Keep doing your routine that helps you feel strident and relaxed. Do whatever it takes. We are living in a vampire world. We have these bodies only for a certain time before we waste away. Let’s live in the light and concern ourselves with higher matters that help instead of hurt. Things that lift us up instead of bog us down.
Botticelli’s “Primavera”

Spiritual Curatives For Emotional Distress

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[Editor’s note: I originally channeled this message the morning of my Vision Board Workshop on January 3rd. I didn’t share it with anyone, yet I feel very strongly to share it today. I happened to have found it today even though I didn’t open it on my computer…hmm.

In light of the recent events of protests and marches, the intense debates online and in the media, the nauseating news stories of the anger, hatred, fear, vitriol that is being introduced by the racist, sexist, money-driven white supremacists running the White House in America and all the people who find themselves caught and unable to look away, feeling helpless, I needed to teach about something I know on the subject.

This is the broadcast for all self-reflective, sensitive, caring and loving individuals, activists, artists, healers on this path who feel affected by what’s going on in the world in some way, who are caught up in the drama, the internet trolls out there, the general malaise of all their friends and family and want to become aware of their own energy field to be better able to cleanse, heal, and serve. Read on:]

Our purpose is to channel love.

Our body is a vessel for spirit to act out its destiny.

Each one of us is a vessel for our own heart’s spirit, the spirits of many other people around us in our lives, and the spirit of nature.

There is a call to bring our Spirit to become alive again, to refresh our purpose and return to our calling to continue to reform and improve society.

I experience in my practice and in the healing of myself and others that there are certain things you can do to bring Spirit to Body. These things all elicit a palpable feeling state of flow for everyone, some having more of a palpable affect of the feeling state of spirituality in the body than others. As you look over this list, you can perhaps recall a time that you experienced something out of the ordinary yet possessing a certain type of miraculous feeling – a “life is a miracle” feeling where you had new eyes and senses from which to perceive the world, new life, new spirit.   These feeling state awareness come in the form of the following activities/items:

  • Taking a Shower
  • Writing a poem or making art
  • Exercising/Sweating
  • Yoga T’ai Ch’i or Qi Gong
  • Going to the movies or reading a powerful book
  • Doing a breathing technique
  • Praying, going to a temple or house of prayer
  • Using stones, crystals or gems
  • Taking a salt bath
  • Having a conversation with a friend or lover that’s really meaningful
  • Writing in your journal
  • Using sage, incense or a candle for cleansing
  • Meditating
  • Participating in a ritual with a tribe or shaman where there is chanting, singing and sacred music with or without the use of an entheogen
  • Sitar, gong, or singing bowl sound healing
  • Getting body work

 

Getting an acupuncture treatment is among the first and most effective naturally healthy and gentle ways to clear your energy field that I have found for my journey personally. The list above can cure the subtle and denser layers in the physical body, that which would normally disturb our ability to see and perceive life through the eyes of love and infinite possibility.

Our spirit continuously renews in the matter in these ways, and having an unending position of gratitude for it increases its potency even more.

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In acupuncture I sense people’s energetic availability in the moment and I have a psychic knowing sense of the various things that are bothering them. I can hear their pain, and where there is a need to let go of certain thought form entities of stuck energy that need to be removed and worked out of the density and released.

We all have sticky auras, because we all need other people to help us grow and evolve, and this is part of our purpose to become aware of these things that were once betrayed to us in the matter. 

The negative entities get in to our bodies starting as some experience in our life that never got cleared and kept being added to our thoughts and memories so much so that it began replaying in our reality day to day. As it grew stronger over the months and years it began to become shoulder pain, neck pain, back pain, lower back pain.

It would come into the body or manifest in the body during certain periods of emotional stress and discomfort reminiscent of this initial invasion. Interestingly it wouldn’t show up at other times when things were more calm like they had gotten out of the environment or away from the person which was caustic, or they became distracted and enlivened by something that made them happy (or by doing one of the above things on the list!) either for a small window of time or through an intentional lifestyle change. There was a disconnect to this thought form which made room for new life and new healing and the freedom of their spirit to exist in the world in a new way.

This is what happens from living out in the world and being subject to life as human beings between heaven and earth, light and dark, form and ether. In order to grow and advance and move into uncharted territory in our lives we have to mitigate our energetic body living in the present moment with the inertia of our past.

We have to be willing to do the present moment, mindful energy work that is necessary to take a quantum leap. We must locate spirit in our lives and see spirit in life and feel spirit in our bodies to be able to heal these things. Whether momentarily or for a lifetime  these spiritual beings incorporate in us so we can, as mediums, be able to augment or eliminate them at will to feel more at ease and control in our lives. All of us are masters of our own lives and healers of our own energy, learning quite a lot over our lifetime about ourselves.

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I’m seeking to take something esoteric like spirit and spirituality and make it physically understood for people so they can have a sense understanding in their body what this feeling is and why it’s important to pay attention to it.

To talk about addictions briefly

This is a repetitive cycle that is compounded of many different influences, ancestral karma, and hurts over time. The longer something goes unexamined, the more it can grow into our bodies causing pain and causing layers of pain. As we release the layers we spiritually grow and are able to help others release these wounds on an exponential scale which helps the whole world.

Addiction is a disease in the mind that we must cure that has a psychological and bodily response in us, causing us to go on automatic to quell the outside stressor that is coming in. We don’t know what we don’t know until we are placed out of the habit or environment that was keeping us numb to our own wisdom our body constantly communicates to us.

Strong addiction is an endless cycle that keeps repeating as the body starts to get used to the highs and lows from the initial impact(s) considering it a normal bodily state. Scientifically speaking, our body adapts to the radical hormone fluctuations that are propagated through the stressor, along with the substance or emotion that comes as an automatic response.

If it’s not an alcohol or narcotic or some other addiction to things, it’s a love addiction or a drama addiction with social implications where the mind can creates upsets like “I’m not getting enough attention,” “I’m not being shown enough love,” “That person is treating me badly,” to act out old recordings of our past. This invokes a familiar pain which we on a subconscious level attract and need to experience over and over again until we receive the instructions for how to unplug from these drainages in our energy system. This pain is so we can grow and manifest under new paradigms the thoughts and beliefs which are in the alignment of self love and forgiveness, defined by us as the masters of our inner world.

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We can easily react from the position of the innocent children as the victim, yet the call is to accept everything that happened to us and is happening to us not as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ notions but to realize that somewhere there’s a karmic ballpark where everything that everyone is doing to one another makes sense for the grander plane of the love unfolding in the world.

Practice one of these self care rituals for half an hour every day and listen to how your body feels before and after.

Receiving healing work from a self-cultivated practitioner such as an acupuncturist can help greatly to unravel these patterns so the body can begin to direct us in healthy ways where we have gone astray from listening intuitively within.

We are made of 90% water, with the same organic compounds as other living beings, soil, and the stars in the sky. It is helpful to use substances from nature for healing such as the ocean or the moon can help to bring these emotions and disruptions out of our body. Salt baths, crystals, as I mention, are some of the things that vibrate at a naturally higher frequency. Nature is constantly trying to help us. The more we can align with the cycles and the gifts of the seasons for great health and ease in life.

The goal of all my mentioning this to you is to be in the present moment with total forgiveness, without judging the mystery of the unknown past and future as it presents itself to us.

As human beings forgiveness for the moment is essential for how we choose our perceptions of reality. We have a soul-need to play out the dark and the light forces in the physical time and space with denser and slower energy of the bodily tissues as we move about, interact, and transform our perception of the world. We are subject to the wills of spirit as matter bumping around with other matter.

When we have the power of forgiveness in our heart we are endlessly renewed to be present in the moment and we don’t get stuck in the illusion of the other thing/person outside of ourselves. We can act according to our higher self in the moment because we are not mindlessly acting from some past hurt or sadness, resentment, anger, fear, grief, or even joy or sympathy in our life (the five emotions in Chinese 5-element acupuncture). From a higher place, the moment contains all power to manifest the justice of our soul’s perception.

Consciousness will spread. The Truth can never be hidden. The messages Spirit needs to come through our channel, is what is meant to be alive and embodied for the matter destiny wherein all beings evolve simultaneously.

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Spirit is always guiding us.  They want to be part of this process with us. The closer we come to the present moment, the more we can allow ourselves to observe the illusion.

When we do this we find new feelings of satisfaction in our day to day life, which is what Abraham Hicks, channeled by Esther Hicks, calls “being in the vortex.” This is the augmentation of positive feelings and a sense of devotion to our higher purpose. This is a feeling state of limitless being which is creating opportunities for effortless magnetism and natural abundance to flow to us. With practice we will be able to sustain these periods of flow and abundance for longer and longer periods.  The grace that is given to us will be given in greater amounts as we transmit these acts of grace to other people.

So the time is to raise our consciousness. The time now is to keep cleaning our bodies and our mental of our attitudes and beliefs. Clean the food that comes in our mouth, purify the water, clean the places we sleep and work, the people we let into our sacred space of intimacy and vulnerability. Go with your intuition. Pick your battles. Retreat when necessary, but never give up on being the sensitive being you are. The world needs this sensitivity. We are hear to uplift others and receive the divine blessings which are abundant now.

With Love,

Lm

The Blizzard’s Inner Purpose

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Took some pictures of the blizzard and then a few of me in this 1940s fox-hair head wrap which my grandmother gave to me before her passing of recent.

I went into the woods at the height of the blizzard and was struck at how different everything looked sticking apart from the blanket of white.

All weekend I have been thinking about ‘The Revenant’ the recent film with Leonardo DiCaprio and how it was based off of a true story of Hugh Glass, a trapper in Montana and South Dakota in 1823. Such a world away from now.

I was wandering a mile or two from my heated house with my snow boots – as if that was a big deal. Comparing the two scenes of the pre-revolutionary backwoods and an urban 21st century park preserve, I was still struck and heartened by the big beech tree with human carvings etched into it.

It felt like a totem pole, a crossing point, a place to leave little crumbs or gifts, or if you were dying and broke your leg, a spirit of some sort would soon find you there.

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Seems that part of a purpose of a Beech tree is to be carved into by us. We need something eternal and graceful in a tree to be expressing our love and “What A Blast.”

It was an enjoyable time feeling somewhat apart from everyone and everything. I longed for the feeling of vast unpopulated space depicted in the film, and this tree in my path sparked my imagination.

I was thinking of not going out, but then I did and I was really glad for it.

Being buried in the snow at my home with my parents has given me time to really change my conception of time and progress when it comes to my purpose.

In addition to my walk I did a lot of other office things, studying, de-cluttering two closets, two bookshelves, folding my clothes KonMari style (the book ‘The Life-changing Magic of Tidying-Up’ – is like something I have been waiting for all my adult adolescence), and also making space to visualize what financial abundance feels like in the body…

It can be overwhelming juggling lots of different hobbies, systems, and purpose-related activities on top of just getting what needs to get done DONE for life to continue to move forward.

I realized if I spend just 15-minutes to half-an-hour on any pet-project or passion, clutter-clearing or mini-work-out, meditation or whatever it is I want to make time for – I can generate the feelings necessary to boost my confidence, empower my mindset, while learning how to adopt a valuable new skill and learning into my day.

It’s not about the time that it takes to do something, but the consistency in which it is accomplished.

Sometimes fifteen minutes is all we really need to get all the benefits and establish a routine with the results and the confidence we need to keep going.

Lisa Nichols, a revered public speaker, talks about how she worked out fifteen minutes every day while she was on her book tour and traveling over the period of a year and she lost 75 pounds. She couldn’t commit to a whole hour because it would be another hour traveling/showering. All she could afford to commit to in her schedule was fifteen minutes and it got her to her goal in the same amount of time.

Furthermore, my friend Jessica with whom I am co-hosting my upcoming workshop talked about ‘workshopping our life’ – how everything is movement, flux, and work-in-action. And I feel this is especially important to comprehend when we are creating systems, lifestyles, and practices that work and keep us in high spirits and create love, personal growth, and opportunity for us. This is the medicine of a wisdom practice like meditation, yoga, drawing or crafts, exercise and these things put us into an alternate awareness and limbo state of consciousness that we can steer our own life.

This is the energy of movement, creation, opportunity, possibility, growth, and yes, money too.

This is actually what I’ve come to understand about money these days and creating money. You have to be present and act on the moment to create more opportunities. From an entrepreneurial standpoint, it’s the thing that is scary to do that seems ominous and slightly impossible, sort of there but looks really hard, that is where we focus these kinds of 15-minute, 20-minute, whatever you can afford-minute practice. This thing is what actually traps and takes flight in us the feeling of ‘anything is possible’ – the mojo sauce. Gabrielle Bernstein calls it the ‘ing’ or ‘inner guide.’

For example, if I write 15-20 minutes a day, whether to myself or for a book, a newsletter, or blog, I would put me in a state of grace and flow which would help me feel a sense of purpose.

It doesn’t matter who or what the writing is going to, whether the money is there or not. If it keeps helping me feel in flow with my higher calling, then I have done a service to everyone in those fifteen minutes.

Writing is a very basic example – this can be anything you feel like you want to do to feel more in the flow, and attribute more meaning and enrichment to you life.

So whether its something you’ve always liked to do or whether you’ve never done it before and know you want to do more and want to learn more, the first task is setting up a chunk of time where you get to feel really good doing this thing you thought you would never have time for but you actually do.

Our purpose should feed us! This is a sign –  that thing is is always pulling me to it and I am always feeling pulled to it. It’s something that always gives back to us in energy two-fold what we put into it. And it’s something very ordinary, you probably don’t give yourself enough credit!

That’s really all our purpose ever asks of us, is that we do it, do it often, and feel our connectivity to everything and everyone while we are doing it or once it is over. It’s moving into a different time-space reality and into one of divine service, love, space, truth, and synchronicity. In this quantum field, chronological time doesn’t exist – it’s just the Heart and all the blessings which arrive in their miraculous ways.

Bye, Crazy! Bye!

Environment is stronger than willpower.  ~ Yogananda

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.  ~ Steven Winterburn

Just recently I’ve moved home, back to my parents house in DC.

I’ll proudly state it. I AM living at my parents again and it rules (for the most part). Finally the Tower of my life has fallen like I knew it would… Saturn returned, the Hanged Man has been Hung… I’ll consider this the losing and winning of the game of life all in one serendipitous moment. Suddenly I see how situational things can machete (<– the autocorrect – I’m keeping it) the present moment and make a new moment occur.

In moving home however, I had to sacrifice my Victorian communal living house to begin this crucial step on my journey. I’ll miss it, so great, so beautiful, nestled into quiet Hyattsville with the best coffeeshop ever (where I had a stint) and the nice bike trails.

I’ll miss the wrap around porch, the flowering tree outside my window, the tall ceilings, the beautiful wood, jars of weird healthy shit in the kitchen.

What happened was a male roommate moved in across from my room this past April, and I noticed a recurrence in my body, mind and psyche of the trauma from when I was living with a stalker at my window. Even though I told my roommates I didn’t want him to move in, he moved in anyway.

As he settled in I felt this weird energy from him. I felt my routine and habits were being watched and noted. He was needy, and seeking my attention directly or indirectly from me all of the time. As it got worse, he would send out passive aggressive emails to the house citing me as reason for all his problems, which I see now was a way of getting attention from me.

I felt always needed by him. And because of this, I felt very unprotected in my own home, angry that I had to deal with this trauma again (have to get used to that feeling, because it will always be there), and scared because it felt out of control.

Many times this guy seemed severely disturbed to me. He would express himself erratically, be volatile and seethe in all these emotions or stew in silence. I truly felt like I was living with an insane person and I never knew what to expect from him.

He would complain, stew, use guilt against me every time I didn’t make breakfast for him and also eat my breakfast or other meals with him, or make time to hang out with him whenever I was home. I felt guilty for being in my room.  At its worst, he verbally abused me.

I had to change my schedule, my routine, my clothing, my demeanor to avoid contact with him and curb the neediness he threw in my direction just to preserve my sense of well being. Day in and day out, I felt this building pressure, which was causing me to crave sugar and eat erratically, I had my familiar symptoms of insomnia and anxiety, and sometimes what was crippling fear which was causing my hormones to go off kilter. I tip-toed around my room at night hearing my roommate across the hall – just as I did when I felt the stalker’s presence behind my window.

It was TOXIC, no one in the ‘Healing House’ was respecting or acknowledging this was going on, let alone acknowledging my trauma when I brought it up. The longer I resisted it the more it was hurting me.

Despite all my inner body signals to RUN AWAY I was persistent with having an open mind, changing my thinking and be open to something that ressembled friendship with this dude. My mind convinced me not to heed my intuition, ‘leaning in’ to the discomfort for the sake of learning, believing my stupid roommate when he called it ‘being in community’ – all these excuses and my own denial of what was meant to combust at any moment.

Unfortunately communal houses tend to draw out bad habits and hairy roles and expectations.

It was when I started going to therapy that I realized all that I was putting up with that I didn’t need to, and how I let myself violate my own boundaries, my own life which I desperately needed to live – not spending one minute longer dealing with his mood swings and anger, and these emails showing up in the middle of my workday blaming me for everything.

I am not alone in this story and that this will resonate for other sensitive women who feel out of control in their relationships, personal, romantic, whatever. There are sociopaths, narcissists, and mama’s boys who prey on people like us who know and who care.

Our society expects women to be caring and nurturing, to put our needs aside for others. Our society also values intellect, which means denying the part unexplained by science known as out intuition. By society’s standards, our intuition is false. We’re overreacting, we’re too emotional. We’re just plain making things up when we feel something is wrong.

When something is wrong let it be wrong!!! Please act on it! Trust your intuition above all!!! We are the only species who shuts this part of ourselves off and it gets us into lots and lots of trouble.

I am telling you this story because the respect and care we receive as women is directly proportional to what we feel we deserve inside and this is DIRECTLY reflected in our environment and in the people we are around and of course, what we attract.

There’s ‘leaning in’ to the discomfort and then there’s dealing with other people’s shit. As women we need to become absolutely transparent to this. Relationships and our natural ability to elevate them are part of the creation of community that’s unfolding in society right now and needs healing to be able to create stronger communities.

As an emotionally aware and intuitive woman who has suffered a lot by the way of sexual trauma and abuse with men, not only in this situation but in my past situations and relationships I cannot underscore how important it is for other women to:

a.) have other positive and viable female partnerships – this is SO important. They are the lifeblood of truth and are magical sources of healing
b.) trust your feelings/hunches/gut reactions – they are a vital compass leading you to a better life
c.) express with all the fire in your heart what you feel as a sign for change and do not back down or downplay anything about yourself for anyone. Let men/your partner figure out how to deliver what you need (or let them walk out of your life) and just be the Priestess herself in the meantime
d.) have faith in yourself to manifest your fairy tale!
e.) practice something daily to enhance self-worth – do this last one if you do anything.

This experience with my roommate was just one sad picture into something much bigger – a pattern I was attracting in my life with my relationships. I realize how intensely even the most superficial of relationships or transient of environments DO affect us. THESE ARE VITAL aspects of our life that bring us up or pull us down. It may seem small, but a hundred small things add up to something huge.

We have a right to our needs and to saying no with dignity and grace – this can also be considered divinely feminine, having boundaries. Finally taking a stand for myself in this regard is the gift of a lifetime.

It’s hard to step out of our perceptions and make new moves when our environment is keeping us in routines, reinforcing outmoded beliefs that we haven’t questioned yet. It’s a process unveiling what subconscious thing we are attached to that is, despite our best intentions, keeping us attached and miserable.

Once I let go of the house, the illusion I was living in of its potential fell away, and for the first time I really felt aware of how I had been mistreated and disrespected – like breaking up with someone who wasn’t good for you anyway. In my growing process I’ve learned to strive for and expect more love than what I’ve known ever before in my past growing up, more worth and value than I’ve ever thought was possible.

At my parents for this time, I already feel my energy returning, my insomnia and anxiety dissipating. Feeling more even. My life has become much simpler. It’s easier to get things done, and I feel I am making exponential moves towards my future.

It takes a leap of faith to change where we are, more courage than you can even stand, and trusting that where you end up will be better. The more we can let go, the more the bigger picture can arrive to who we really are and the kinds of places and people we really deserve to support our growth.

My cat Lynyrd and I are happy here. My parents are great roommates! And thank god for therapy. That is all!